I’ve been revisiting memories of my darkest days — the ones when I felt completely lost and hopeless, buried in grief and chronic pain. I was deep in grief, and I couldn’t imagine ever feeling like me again.
Could I ever be myself again?
I’ve been revisiting memories of my darkest days — the ones when I felt completely lost and hopeless, buried in emotional and physical pain. I was deep in grief, and I couldn’t imagine ever feeling like me again.
Could I ever be myself again?
I was negative. Fatalistic. Jealous of others. I felt like a victim. I was quick to anger even quicker to tears.
Who was I becoming?
I didn’t love her. I didn’t even like her.
And if not… who was I becoming?
(I didn’t love her.)
When Pain Becomes a Mirror
I felt so isolated. My friends and partner tried to be empathetic, but my emotions were so foreign — even to me. How could I expect anyone else to navigate what I couldn’t explain?
I was in so much pain. And that pain colored everything.
What I see clearly now is that I took that pain as proof I must deserve it.
Like it was my karma.
Like it was my punishment.
Like it was mine to carry forever.
I joined forces with the pain and turned it inward. I decided I must be broken, wrong, unworthy of love, joy, or relief.
And that hurts to admit — because I was already hurting so much.
The Turning Point
Eventually, I started to work with my anger, guilt, fear, and shame — not push them away, but send them love.
Why? Because they needed to be seen. Felt. Witnessed. Held like a baby.
(This process reminded me of practices like R.A.I.N., which help bring compassion to difficult emotions.)
I had every reason to feel those feelings. But blaming myself for having them? Judging myself for not being “more healed”? That just created more pain. More shame. More stuckness.
So I began to gently change the story.
I started catching the harsh thoughts and questioning them:
- Why would I deserve chronic back pain?
- How am I responsible for the people I’ve lost?
I didn’t. I don’t.
I wasn’t. I’m not.
If anything, what I needed was more compassion.
More grace.
More tenderness.
A Loop Many of Us Know Too Well
I share this because I know I’m not alone. This negative feedback loop is so common. We suffer — and then we turn on ourselves for suffering.
So if this resonates with you, try this:
- Catch the critical thought.
- Acknowledge: “This is just a thought.”
- Say stop.
- And if you can, replace it with something kind.
Not fake-positive. Not forced. Just kind.
Because you don’t need to be punished.
You need to be held.
You need care.
You deserve peace.
You Don’t Have to Untangle This Alone
As a MindBody Grief + Chronic Pain Coach, I help people move through the emotional and physical toll of loss with more compassion and less self-blame.
If you’re caught in that loop — of pain, grief, judgment — I see you.
You don’t have to stay there.
Let’s talk. 💬
Or send me a message – anytime. I get it. I care.
🙏🏻
